The end of a new beginning.

And here I sit…

at Johannesburg Airport, in the same seat of the same restaurant I sat in just 12 weeks ago. Once again, I am waiting on my flight which will take me somewhere to start a new chapter of my life.

It’s funny how quickly life can change, how a few days, weeks, or months can alter your world view and change your life’s path. I am not sure what the last 12 weeks has done to my life. I may not understand the impact of my time in Uganda for weeks, months, or even years. My time was short, only one summer of my 23 years, but the things I have done…well, this is a summer to remember.

I came to Uganda to learn…to learn about the world as well as myself. I have learned a lot.

I came to understand more about the how life functions in a developing world. While once again, I have learned a lot, however my understanding is still far below what I hoped. Instead, living in Uganda gave me perspective, one that I haven’t obtained any other way.

In Uganda, I rediscovered my passion for equality, equity, and compassion. A passion not for some euphoric goals, but for progress that in a world filled with resources, with equal access to all.

I remembered the good in people. Yes, being in a country filled with corruption can make you jaded, but it only takes one person or one community who, despite unfathomable hardship, works hard every day to unselfishly help one another.

I have, for maybe the first time in my life, took a step back. I have taken the time to read, learn, and challenge my own assumptions. I have learned to think holistically about the world’s problems and appreciate the complexity of working in social services.

I have grown. I have taken the time to sit, to find peace in myself. For the first time in my life, I want nothing more than to be who I already am.

I realize that what I have learned may not come to surface until I have the ability to, through engagement with others, reflect on my time. I find my perceptions often come out vocally before I have had the opportunity to internalize them myself.

How I see life in America has changed, both in a disgust with materialism and in an appreciation for the values embodied by the American people that provide philanthropy on a global scale.  Regardless of my occasional criticism, I truly am proud to be an American.

 In full disclosure, my experience wasn't as "immerseful" as I would have liked. I lived in embassy housing, rode in an embassy car, and ate a lot of embassy food. Would I have gotten more out of my experience living in the slums, maybe. But I learned regardless of the circumstances, you can attend to your surroundings and be present with what is before you.

"The poor don't want you to look like them. They want you to dress in a suit and go get them food and water"- Paul Farmer  

I have felt compassion for a stranger and I have seen things for what they are, not only what they could be. I have been mindful, and I have eaten a lot of mangoes. And in the end...I have done all I set myself to accomplish. 

I sit here, waiting to return home more motivated than ever. To Uganda—someday I will return. To the refugees I spend 400+ hours trying to serve—I will work to find your family a home and a better life away from violence and destruction (preferably to the same home you left, but in an oasis of peace). And to every individual who’s opportunity is restricted because of where they were born, the color of their skin, or the religion they pronounce—be patient, be compassionate, and never act in retribution…for our journey has just begun.

“I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can only rest for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not ended.” 
― Nelson Mandela

With one week left...

I can't believe it. After 11 weeks in Uganda, my time here is finally drawing to a close…

It's strange really, how fast the summer has gone. With only one week left, I find myself trying to decipher my own feelings. I can reflect on what I have done, or maybe what I haven't done. I can start to view, though vaguely, how this time may fit into my broader story of my life. Is this just another chapter, or is this where it all begins…

I came to Uganda for various purposes. First, I wanted to live internationally for a while. I thought this time would offer some clarity for my future, either affirming or extinguishing my interest in working internationally. I wanted to work for the federal government, to understand if I could live the life of a bureaucrat. I wanted understand life in a developing country, to understand the experiences of those billions of individuals who are less fortunate with myself. I wanted to discover how I can be a catalyst for change in the world. Finally, I wanted to grow as an individual. I wanted to take time to escape from my comfort zone and make myself vulnerable. I wanted to find myself.

To say the least…this hasn't all gone as well as I anticipated. I have received no clarity regarding my future, or my desire to work for the government. I can see the "problems," but can decipher were they start (or how to fix them). Hell, I haven't even learned how to save the world. Who would thought?

Early in the summer when I was at a show, this man said "The more you know, the less you understand. Once you know everything, you understand nothing." I don’t think I could sum up my experience any better than this…

This may sound negative, as though I have had a terrible summer. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. However, in my quest to answer my own questions I have done one thing incredibly successfully, I have become increasingly mindful. I have begun to look at the world through a different lens, one I wanted to find through my education, but never could. I have learned the need look at our world's problems holistically, understanding the complexity of addressing social issues. I have developed an enhanced sense of empathy, one that allows me to take a step back from my own beliefs and understand those of others. This didn't necessarily come in the manner I though it may, but I believe I was successful nonetheless.

My blog could end today…concluding that "life abroad isn't so bad" and "I can live an American life anywhere". I could also say "Man, Africa is a mess" or "things will never change."…I am happy…no proud to say, this is not how I see it. And even though I am still interested in working in the developing world, it's not because I lived in the "diplomatic bubble"

Even though I didn't live in the slums or suffer, I saw thousands of people that were. I could have ignored what I saw and just chalked it up to a TIA (this is Africa) experience. Instead, I realized that this was an exceptional moment to educate myself. I learned I have incredible hope for not just Uganda, but the entire developing world. Maybe it is my bias as a Locke kinda girl, ignorantly optimistic about human nature. Or as a pacifist, hoping that we can come out of an era of violence one and find one of peace and understanding.

I am not ignorant to the fact that if we want a peaceful world, we have a long way to go. I do my best to see the reality of each situation, and the reality is far too often that of corruption and oppression. But I also see the end, what can become of the world in the future. Now how to get there, this is my passion and what I plan to devote my life to…the search for the means.

Right now, I have no clue what shape this will take. I also understand that I may not see the results of my own impact in my lifetime. This is something I am absolutely content with.

I have learned a lot, and I understand nothing. Issues where I may have previously provided an empirical answer, I will now respond with "it's complicated". And I truly believe it is. Maybe this isn't helpful and I have become too philosophical in my education, but I think that ignoring that "it's complicated" only highlights your ignorance complexity. If it was easy, someone would have figured it out already.

I am not sure how my experience is all going to play out when I get back to school this fall, or I begin enter the "real world" where people want concrete answers. I want concrete answers too. I want answers to my life decisions, but I don’t have them and I trust this is okay. With each day, I can look at times in my life like my summer in Uganda and remember the way I feel…right now.

Somewhere in the Middle

There is something unique about feeling in the middle

When most of us reflect on our past, the parts that stand out are the good, or the bad. We remember a time when we were especially happy, or maybe devastatingly sad. Even though these moments that stand at the forefront of our memories, I have started to believe that often the most transformative times are the ones we spend somewhere in the middle…

This summer has been one of the most unique experiences of my life. I spent almost 22 years living within a 50 mile radius, just to move half way across the world to someplace I had never seen, and maybe didn’t belong. I had never visited another country (other than Canada) and had never flown across an ocean. Until a couple years ago, I had never even flown on a plane, yet I took a 40 hour journey alone just go arrive somewhere without familiar face in thousands of miles. I am sure my experience in Kampala has transformed my life in immeasurable ways, ways that I may not recognize until years down the road. But being here isn’t paradise everyday. I sometimes miss the states, I especially miss the comfort of Athens to which I have become so accustomed. I miss my friends and the non-sense conversations we would have about things no one else quite understood. And, dare I say it, I miss home.

While being away is hard, it often even more difficult to recognize and cope with negative emotions when we have new, exciting experiences thrown at us every day. It’s a neutralizing feeling, somewhere between euphoria and dysphoria, between anxiety and Zen.

In my pursuit for “mindfulness” I have been constantly trying to cope with this pull of emotions. How do I allow my experiences to shape my life in a positive manner without losing touch with myself? How do I progress towards an indefinable/unrecognizable goal when I love the live I have already established? How do I keep in touch with what I love in my past without sacrificing my future?

If you are hoping this blog is going to provide some epiphanic answer, sorry to burst your bubble. I am still trying to figure out my own emotions and am not ready to provide any divine answers to others. While I am not quite a Buddah, there are things I have learned to remember when we are pulled between happy and sad, old and new, and the past and future.

1. Don’t be afraid to be sad and miss the past.

We never know where our future will lead, and we never know who will exit our life at any given time. Times change and so do people; we must learn to accept this. Being okay doesn’t mean ignoring feelings that blatantly exist. We can be sad, we can miss people. If we have lived our life to the fullest , we will miss our past because it was likely filled with fun and excitement, but so is tomorrow. While being sad is often beneficial, this is only the case if you believe it is part of the natural progression of life. We have to be willing to let go. Attachment is inhibiting, just live.

2. Don’t let plans restrict the future

And I should addend this by saying goals are fantastic, however, life planning may not be. We cannot determine where our path will take us. This is what makes life so exciting. If you want to be successful, work hard every day. If you want to be a better person, be kind every day. If you want to change the world, do it through one small act every day. Only when we take our life step-by-step will we realize the beauty that is now, that life isn’t about tomorrow, it’s about today.

3. Take the time to make yourself happy

Growing up is about knowing yourself, whether you are 15 or 55. We may not know yet what makes us truly happy, but this is something we should work and reflect to find. Also, if the answer is having a new _____ or a nice_______, you probably haven’t dug deep enough. What makes you smile unconditionally? What is your passion? Find it. Do it. It should take precedence over obligations, even if this means a small speed bump towards our goals. If we are not passionately happy, no amount of success will fulfill the void in our lives.  

4. Let go of attachments

This goes off of #1, but work to soften your attachments with everything but yourself. If we are dependent on something external, whether it is a friend, relationship, or even a phone, work to control your dependency. This doesn’t mean breaking up with a boyfriend or ignoring friends, but these external things are out of our control and if we allow them to determine our happiness, we have lost control of ourselves. Love what you have, but don’t “need” anything, (except water, food, and sleep). We have a hierarchy of needs, but self-control should sit at about #4 or #5.

#5 Simplify what/when you can

It sounds easy right? But if you are like me, simplifying life is often one of the most difficult task we are faced with. How do we say no to fantastic opportunities, even if we probably are too busy to take one another obligation? While saying yes often leads to tremendous opportunities, we are not going to appreciate them if our life is overrun with complexity. This isn’t always easy to do, how do we determine what is important and what is not? Sometimes we just need to do the simplest task of all, just sit.

#6 Remember, “The time is now” ;)

Miss the past, be sad sometimes, but every day, appreciate what is going on now. If we are stuck in the middle, look around and recognize the beauty that surrounds us. Once we stop worrying about the future and past, we can move to a comfortable middle, one that is filled with excitement and new opportunities. We don’t need some grand plan for this to happen, just do good every day and appreciate what we have. Karma will do the rest J

While being “stuck in the middle” is often one of the most difficult emotions to understand, it is one of the most influential, life enhancing emotions we may find. These moments will pop up and be especially prominent as our lives begin to change and our experiences stray from the comfort to we have become accustomed. Being stuck in the middle doesn’t mean we have to choose being happy or sad, but that we can finally weigh our feelings and reflect on who we are and what we want. So what do you do? Nothing. We will grow naturally out of these moments.

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves” The Buddah

Lions, Zebras, and Deo

This post is going out a little late, but I just had one of the coolest weekends of my life...

Last weekend I was finally able to do something that I have wanted since…well…since I watched the Lion King I guess. This weekend I visited Lake Mburo and Queen Elizabeth national park and went on my first safari.

It was obviously amazing. I went with my friend Katie and her fantastic aunt and uncle the DeLisi’s. Oh, and Mr. DeLisi is also my boss, or the American Ambassador to Uganda. Over the weekend I saw zebras, lions, elephants, hyenas, warthogs, and an endless amount of DLTs (deer like things). The scenery was incredible. We went on around 20 hours in game drives over 4 days, which doesn’t sound like that much until you realized we also spent another 20 traveling. Needless to say I was pretty tired on Monday from my “African massage” (what my guide called going over really bad/bumpy roads), but it was all worth it! Our cabins were beautiful and I was able to have wine and appetizers watching the sun set over the savannah. I was speechless.

As awesome as everything was, there is a particular hour that touched my heart in a different way. It wasn’t seeing the lions, having a stare down with baboons, or even sipping wine while watching the pink and orange haze softly falling into the horizon. This weekend, I met Deo. 

Deo lives just outside of the border or Queen Elizabeth National Park. A few years ago, Deo was struggling to feed his family. While in the states, living on the edge of a “park” is often considered a great location, it is not quite the same when you have lions, elephants, and warthogs to cohabitate with. Deo was constantly struggling to keep elephants from trampling his vegetables and lions from eating his goats, so he decided to build a trench.

With the help of his neighbors, this small community has created a 22 km trench and installed numerous other devices to help protect their land.

His story is amazing. Not only has he created barriers for his own farm including a fence, noise makers, and other animal deterrents, but he has also taught his entire community to do the same so they can also protect their farms and adequately feed their families. While the trench helps significantly with elephants, he still experiences many problems as some animals are able to jump the trench. The trench also needs a significant amount of upkeep, so each early morning is spent on its maintenance. In addition to his wildlife deterrents  Deo has also created sanitary restrooms, soap dispensers, and build an “energy efficient kitchen.”

Yes the whole trip was amazing, but for me, there is just something about meeting people. I love animals, and I LOVE a good sunrise/sunset, but each day I am reminded how truly awesome people can be. People all over the world, just like Deo, are working hard just to feed their families and make tomorrow a little better than yesterday. Its times like this that I know, without doubt, my choice to work in social services supersedes any alternative career path I may have chosen, even if it would have added a couple digits to my salary. It’s not about money, it’s not about the car I can have or name brands on my shirt. My passion, my future career (whatever form it make take) is about people helping to provide opportunity for people like Deo and making sure that everyone has a chance to live a healthy, peaceful life.

The Value of Winging It

I was always someone who craved a plan. Growing up, my mind was constantly determining where I was supposed to be in the next few hours, days, and often even months or years. I did my best to plan ahead because I assumed I could get the most done in an allotted time. Because of this, my focus was usually not on what was happening in the moment, but where I was going and where I should be. Over the past months I have tried my best to break myself of this habit. Yes, you still have to time manage sometimes, especially when you are busy, but I have learned that often no plan is the best plan. There is a real value in "winging it."

This weekend I was able to get out of Kampala a little and visited Jinja, a smaller town about 60 km west. I went on Saturday morning with two of my roommates and some of the Marines working at the embassy. Our only plan was that we were going to go ride ATV's, and one of my roommates (Ben) and I intended to stay. He and I didn't really know what we were going to do or where we would stay, and this may have been one of the best decisions we made all weekend. 

After we rode ATVs (which was amazing by the way) we got dropped off my the Marines on the edge of town. Our driver pointed us toward Jinja and we just started walking. About 2 km later we found a restaurant and were able to take out a map and gain our bearings. At that point, we met up with a girl that knew his cousin who is working in an NGO in Jinja. Without much thought I realized we were just walking, not knowing where we would be in 30 minutes, and frankly not caring. Our lack of accord for any predetermined destination eventually led us to a hotel overlooking the Nile River. At that moment, sitting in the grass overlooking the start one of the largest rivers in the world, I was completely present. There was no need to look at my watch, "the time is now.” There was no need to speak, much more could be conveyed by silence. It was in this moment I realized that often the best plan is no plan. The best moments are those that find you, not the ones you actively seek. 

The night continued to be supersede any plans we could have made. We went back to Ben's cousins NGO, The Street Child Project, which is a home for street children that have no safe home to return to. To learn more, check out http://www.thestreetchildproject.org/ . After joining them for dinner, we felt it was time to move on and one of volunteers recommended a hostel down the road, so we set off with directions and 20 minutes later finally arrived at "Explorers Backpackers Guesthouse." After checking in, we continued out into a few local bars where we were able to meet many fascinating people from all around the world both living in, working in, and vacationing in Jinja. 

The next morning, we assumed we would just get a taxi back to Kampala, but we stopped back by the orphanage and one of the founders told us that she was leaving to go to the airport in Entebee, which would mean she would go directly by our house. Without thinking, we jumped in the van and only two hours later, we made it safely home. 

I don't think I could have asked for a better weekend. I could have made an "itinerary," but with that comes expectations. You start to look at your watch and become more conscious of where you are going then where you are. Whenever you can, wing it. As long as you stay open and positive, things will work out, just trust your gut and enjoy your surroundings. You don't have to be on some grand adventure or half way across the world to do this, you may well find adventures in your own town or city. It is up to you what you make of your time and my suggestion is, just be positive and “go with the flow.”

World Refugee Day 2013- Rwamwanja Refugee Settlement

Last Thursday I was lucky enough to spend World Refugee Day at Rwamwanja Refugee Settlement. This camp has become the home to thousands (I believe around 30,000 if I remember correctly) of Congolese freeing violence in North Kivu.

This was such and amazing day and a fantastic experience. I will finally be beginning my work in the Refugee Office and could not have thought of a better way to kick off my experience. Here are some of the pictures I was able to take as we toured the camp and its facilities.

This little guy held my hand during the some speeches. 

 Here is a little video I put together <3

Home not so far away from home

Going to a new place is always a strange feeling. Everything looks new, all/most of the faces are new, and there is an indistinguishable feeling of unfamiliarity that runs through your mind and body. I remember when I left for college I felt this way, and I especially felt this way coming to Uganda. I have never “lived abroad” before, nor have I even left North America. This place was so different from anything I had ever experienced before. The people, the landscape, nothing could compare to the small rural towns in which I have spent the last 22 years. Regardless of the intensity of unfamiliarity, the day comes when you stop feeling like a “guest.” Faces stop looking like strangers and buildings stop becoming images and gain some type of spatial quality in your life. Only three weeks after my arrival, Uganda is rapidly gaining familiarity; it is starting to feel like a little like home.

At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about this, how have I so quickly acclimated to someplace that is incomparable to anyplace I have ever been, let alone lived? No, I still don’t understand how I am supposed to grocery shop and I don’t know that I could ever get used to the rough 1+ drives to work, but right now Kampala is exactly where I feel like I am supposed to be.

I remember before I left speaking to others about how I was relatively unconcerned with leaving. I didn’t anticipate culture shock nor a huge adjustment. That is not to say I won’t miss my family and friends, and maybe this is because my stay has a deadline, but I still feel that it should not have been this easy… I am halfway around the “world,” but I feel incredibly close to home. Then I realized, I am.

I believe we give space too much credit sometimes. We often wonder “how can we ever understand ‘them’” “they are so different than us” and so we go on with our days, forgetting the connections we have with each other. And I think the obvious connection is through technology and its ability to bring us together, but I am starting to believe it is much more than that. Yes, I am in the middle of Africa. Yes, I sometimes am presented with language barriers and drastically different habits that guide my daily interactions. But so what? It doesn’t matter if I am in Ohio of Kampala, each day people around me wake up and try to make their life a little better. We all actively pursue happiness and in the end, the greater good for all. We all share that, every one of us.  Generally, we all have a relatively similar moral compass that guides our relationships and makes us human. Okay, some may be a little off track, thinking guns and ethnic cleansing are the best ways to shape the world, but don’t forget what a small percent of the population this is.

So why am I not homesick? Why don’t I feel any culture shock? Because there is not all that much to be “shocked” about. Yea we are all different, and that is what makes the world so incredible. Our lives and stories will all take different paths, but at the end of the day we are all connected. Regardless of the miles, when you realizes oceans and land masses mean nothing as long as you are with other fantastic people, anyplace can feel like home.