Somewhere in the Middle

There is something unique about feeling in the middle

When most of us reflect on our past, the parts that stand out are the good, or the bad. We remember a time when we were especially happy, or maybe devastatingly sad. Even though these moments that stand at the forefront of our memories, I have started to believe that often the most transformative times are the ones we spend somewhere in the middle…

This summer has been one of the most unique experiences of my life. I spent almost 22 years living within a 50 mile radius, just to move half way across the world to someplace I had never seen, and maybe didn’t belong. I had never visited another country (other than Canada) and had never flown across an ocean. Until a couple years ago, I had never even flown on a plane, yet I took a 40 hour journey alone just go arrive somewhere without familiar face in thousands of miles. I am sure my experience in Kampala has transformed my life in immeasurable ways, ways that I may not recognize until years down the road. But being here isn’t paradise everyday. I sometimes miss the states, I especially miss the comfort of Athens to which I have become so accustomed. I miss my friends and the non-sense conversations we would have about things no one else quite understood. And, dare I say it, I miss home.

While being away is hard, it often even more difficult to recognize and cope with negative emotions when we have new, exciting experiences thrown at us every day. It’s a neutralizing feeling, somewhere between euphoria and dysphoria, between anxiety and Zen.

In my pursuit for “mindfulness” I have been constantly trying to cope with this pull of emotions. How do I allow my experiences to shape my life in a positive manner without losing touch with myself? How do I progress towards an indefinable/unrecognizable goal when I love the live I have already established? How do I keep in touch with what I love in my past without sacrificing my future?

If you are hoping this blog is going to provide some epiphanic answer, sorry to burst your bubble. I am still trying to figure out my own emotions and am not ready to provide any divine answers to others. While I am not quite a Buddah, there are things I have learned to remember when we are pulled between happy and sad, old and new, and the past and future.

1. Don’t be afraid to be sad and miss the past.

We never know where our future will lead, and we never know who will exit our life at any given time. Times change and so do people; we must learn to accept this. Being okay doesn’t mean ignoring feelings that blatantly exist. We can be sad, we can miss people. If we have lived our life to the fullest , we will miss our past because it was likely filled with fun and excitement, but so is tomorrow. While being sad is often beneficial, this is only the case if you believe it is part of the natural progression of life. We have to be willing to let go. Attachment is inhibiting, just live.

2. Don’t let plans restrict the future

And I should addend this by saying goals are fantastic, however, life planning may not be. We cannot determine where our path will take us. This is what makes life so exciting. If you want to be successful, work hard every day. If you want to be a better person, be kind every day. If you want to change the world, do it through one small act every day. Only when we take our life step-by-step will we realize the beauty that is now, that life isn’t about tomorrow, it’s about today.

3. Take the time to make yourself happy

Growing up is about knowing yourself, whether you are 15 or 55. We may not know yet what makes us truly happy, but this is something we should work and reflect to find. Also, if the answer is having a new _____ or a nice_______, you probably haven’t dug deep enough. What makes you smile unconditionally? What is your passion? Find it. Do it. It should take precedence over obligations, even if this means a small speed bump towards our goals. If we are not passionately happy, no amount of success will fulfill the void in our lives.  

4. Let go of attachments

This goes off of #1, but work to soften your attachments with everything but yourself. If we are dependent on something external, whether it is a friend, relationship, or even a phone, work to control your dependency. This doesn’t mean breaking up with a boyfriend or ignoring friends, but these external things are out of our control and if we allow them to determine our happiness, we have lost control of ourselves. Love what you have, but don’t “need” anything, (except water, food, and sleep). We have a hierarchy of needs, but self-control should sit at about #4 or #5.

#5 Simplify what/when you can

It sounds easy right? But if you are like me, simplifying life is often one of the most difficult task we are faced with. How do we say no to fantastic opportunities, even if we probably are too busy to take one another obligation? While saying yes often leads to tremendous opportunities, we are not going to appreciate them if our life is overrun with complexity. This isn’t always easy to do, how do we determine what is important and what is not? Sometimes we just need to do the simplest task of all, just sit.

#6 Remember, “The time is now” ;)

Miss the past, be sad sometimes, but every day, appreciate what is going on now. If we are stuck in the middle, look around and recognize the beauty that surrounds us. Once we stop worrying about the future and past, we can move to a comfortable middle, one that is filled with excitement and new opportunities. We don’t need some grand plan for this to happen, just do good every day and appreciate what we have. Karma will do the rest J

While being “stuck in the middle” is often one of the most difficult emotions to understand, it is one of the most influential, life enhancing emotions we may find. These moments will pop up and be especially prominent as our lives begin to change and our experiences stray from the comfort to we have become accustomed. Being stuck in the middle doesn’t mean we have to choose being happy or sad, but that we can finally weigh our feelings and reflect on who we are and what we want. So what do you do? Nothing. We will grow naturally out of these moments.

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves” The Buddah

Lions, Zebras, and Deo

This post is going out a little late, but I just had one of the coolest weekends of my life...

Last weekend I was finally able to do something that I have wanted since…well…since I watched the Lion King I guess. This weekend I visited Lake Mburo and Queen Elizabeth national park and went on my first safari.

It was obviously amazing. I went with my friend Katie and her fantastic aunt and uncle the DeLisi’s. Oh, and Mr. DeLisi is also my boss, or the American Ambassador to Uganda. Over the weekend I saw zebras, lions, elephants, hyenas, warthogs, and an endless amount of DLTs (deer like things). The scenery was incredible. We went on around 20 hours in game drives over 4 days, which doesn’t sound like that much until you realized we also spent another 20 traveling. Needless to say I was pretty tired on Monday from my “African massage” (what my guide called going over really bad/bumpy roads), but it was all worth it! Our cabins were beautiful and I was able to have wine and appetizers watching the sun set over the savannah. I was speechless.

As awesome as everything was, there is a particular hour that touched my heart in a different way. It wasn’t seeing the lions, having a stare down with baboons, or even sipping wine while watching the pink and orange haze softly falling into the horizon. This weekend, I met Deo. 

Deo lives just outside of the border or Queen Elizabeth National Park. A few years ago, Deo was struggling to feed his family. While in the states, living on the edge of a “park” is often considered a great location, it is not quite the same when you have lions, elephants, and warthogs to cohabitate with. Deo was constantly struggling to keep elephants from trampling his vegetables and lions from eating his goats, so he decided to build a trench.

With the help of his neighbors, this small community has created a 22 km trench and installed numerous other devices to help protect their land.

His story is amazing. Not only has he created barriers for his own farm including a fence, noise makers, and other animal deterrents, but he has also taught his entire community to do the same so they can also protect their farms and adequately feed their families. While the trench helps significantly with elephants, he still experiences many problems as some animals are able to jump the trench. The trench also needs a significant amount of upkeep, so each early morning is spent on its maintenance. In addition to his wildlife deterrents  Deo has also created sanitary restrooms, soap dispensers, and build an “energy efficient kitchen.”

Yes the whole trip was amazing, but for me, there is just something about meeting people. I love animals, and I LOVE a good sunrise/sunset, but each day I am reminded how truly awesome people can be. People all over the world, just like Deo, are working hard just to feed their families and make tomorrow a little better than yesterday. Its times like this that I know, without doubt, my choice to work in social services supersedes any alternative career path I may have chosen, even if it would have added a couple digits to my salary. It’s not about money, it’s not about the car I can have or name brands on my shirt. My passion, my future career (whatever form it make take) is about people helping to provide opportunity for people like Deo and making sure that everyone has a chance to live a healthy, peaceful life.

The Value of Winging It

I was always someone who craved a plan. Growing up, my mind was constantly determining where I was supposed to be in the next few hours, days, and often even months or years. I did my best to plan ahead because I assumed I could get the most done in an allotted time. Because of this, my focus was usually not on what was happening in the moment, but where I was going and where I should be. Over the past months I have tried my best to break myself of this habit. Yes, you still have to time manage sometimes, especially when you are busy, but I have learned that often no plan is the best plan. There is a real value in "winging it."

This weekend I was able to get out of Kampala a little and visited Jinja, a smaller town about 60 km west. I went on Saturday morning with two of my roommates and some of the Marines working at the embassy. Our only plan was that we were going to go ride ATV's, and one of my roommates (Ben) and I intended to stay. He and I didn't really know what we were going to do or where we would stay, and this may have been one of the best decisions we made all weekend. 

After we rode ATVs (which was amazing by the way) we got dropped off my the Marines on the edge of town. Our driver pointed us toward Jinja and we just started walking. About 2 km later we found a restaurant and were able to take out a map and gain our bearings. At that point, we met up with a girl that knew his cousin who is working in an NGO in Jinja. Without much thought I realized we were just walking, not knowing where we would be in 30 minutes, and frankly not caring. Our lack of accord for any predetermined destination eventually led us to a hotel overlooking the Nile River. At that moment, sitting in the grass overlooking the start one of the largest rivers in the world, I was completely present. There was no need to look at my watch, "the time is now.” There was no need to speak, much more could be conveyed by silence. It was in this moment I realized that often the best plan is no plan. The best moments are those that find you, not the ones you actively seek. 

The night continued to be supersede any plans we could have made. We went back to Ben's cousins NGO, The Street Child Project, which is a home for street children that have no safe home to return to. To learn more, check out http://www.thestreetchildproject.org/ . After joining them for dinner, we felt it was time to move on and one of volunteers recommended a hostel down the road, so we set off with directions and 20 minutes later finally arrived at "Explorers Backpackers Guesthouse." After checking in, we continued out into a few local bars where we were able to meet many fascinating people from all around the world both living in, working in, and vacationing in Jinja. 

The next morning, we assumed we would just get a taxi back to Kampala, but we stopped back by the orphanage and one of the founders told us that she was leaving to go to the airport in Entebee, which would mean she would go directly by our house. Without thinking, we jumped in the van and only two hours later, we made it safely home. 

I don't think I could have asked for a better weekend. I could have made an "itinerary," but with that comes expectations. You start to look at your watch and become more conscious of where you are going then where you are. Whenever you can, wing it. As long as you stay open and positive, things will work out, just trust your gut and enjoy your surroundings. You don't have to be on some grand adventure or half way across the world to do this, you may well find adventures in your own town or city. It is up to you what you make of your time and my suggestion is, just be positive and “go with the flow.”

World Refugee Day 2013- Rwamwanja Refugee Settlement

Last Thursday I was lucky enough to spend World Refugee Day at Rwamwanja Refugee Settlement. This camp has become the home to thousands (I believe around 30,000 if I remember correctly) of Congolese freeing violence in North Kivu.

This was such and amazing day and a fantastic experience. I will finally be beginning my work in the Refugee Office and could not have thought of a better way to kick off my experience. Here are some of the pictures I was able to take as we toured the camp and its facilities.

This little guy held my hand during the some speeches. 

 Here is a little video I put together <3

Home not so far away from home

Going to a new place is always a strange feeling. Everything looks new, all/most of the faces are new, and there is an indistinguishable feeling of unfamiliarity that runs through your mind and body. I remember when I left for college I felt this way, and I especially felt this way coming to Uganda. I have never “lived abroad” before, nor have I even left North America. This place was so different from anything I had ever experienced before. The people, the landscape, nothing could compare to the small rural towns in which I have spent the last 22 years. Regardless of the intensity of unfamiliarity, the day comes when you stop feeling like a “guest.” Faces stop looking like strangers and buildings stop becoming images and gain some type of spatial quality in your life. Only three weeks after my arrival, Uganda is rapidly gaining familiarity; it is starting to feel like a little like home.

At first I wasn’t sure how I felt about this, how have I so quickly acclimated to someplace that is incomparable to anyplace I have ever been, let alone lived? No, I still don’t understand how I am supposed to grocery shop and I don’t know that I could ever get used to the rough 1+ drives to work, but right now Kampala is exactly where I feel like I am supposed to be.

I remember before I left speaking to others about how I was relatively unconcerned with leaving. I didn’t anticipate culture shock nor a huge adjustment. That is not to say I won’t miss my family and friends, and maybe this is because my stay has a deadline, but I still feel that it should not have been this easy… I am halfway around the “world,” but I feel incredibly close to home. Then I realized, I am.

I believe we give space too much credit sometimes. We often wonder “how can we ever understand ‘them’” “they are so different than us” and so we go on with our days, forgetting the connections we have with each other. And I think the obvious connection is through technology and its ability to bring us together, but I am starting to believe it is much more than that. Yes, I am in the middle of Africa. Yes, I sometimes am presented with language barriers and drastically different habits that guide my daily interactions. But so what? It doesn’t matter if I am in Ohio of Kampala, each day people around me wake up and try to make their life a little better. We all actively pursue happiness and in the end, the greater good for all. We all share that, every one of us.  Generally, we all have a relatively similar moral compass that guides our relationships and makes us human. Okay, some may be a little off track, thinking guns and ethnic cleansing are the best ways to shape the world, but don’t forget what a small percent of the population this is.

So why am I not homesick? Why don’t I feel any culture shock? Because there is not all that much to be “shocked” about. Yea we are all different, and that is what makes the world so incredible. Our lives and stories will all take different paths, but at the end of the day we are all connected. Regardless of the miles, when you realizes oceans and land masses mean nothing as long as you are with other fantastic people, anyplace can feel like home. 

A Zen Smile

People smile for many different reasons. Sometimes you smile because something good happens. Some smiles are to cover up awkwardness, or even sadness. Sometimes you smile when you get a nice surprise or maybe when you get to see someone you have been missing. I believe that people very rarely smile out of pure happiness. Not the kind of happiness that you get when you buy a new outfit or eat win a prize, but the kind of happiness that is infectious and takes over ever sense in your body.

 I have smiled for many different reasons, but along with many of you, there are few times I can remember what I call...a Zen smile. A zen smile (I will claim that I coined this term, though I'm sure in the thousands of years of Buddhism it has been used before) is when you smile for no reason and, no matter what unpleasant things may be going on in your life, you simply can't stop. You can feel your endorphin flowing and your brain is being constantly blasted with waves of serotonin. When you have a zen smile, you may not have reached enlightenment, but you are most certainly on your way. 

Well, I may have a zen smile stuck on my face. This trip has already been the most amazing experience of my life. I love being in Kampala and I love the people I am surrounded with every day. Work is sometimes a little stressful, but I don't know if a second has gone by this week I haven't enjoyed what I am doing. I attribute this partially to the fact I have wanted to do something like this (study abroad, work in a federal office) for so long, but I can't help but think the people of Uganda are what is making this truly possible. 

Last night at I attended a party/gathering/callitwhatyouwill hosted by the American Chamber of Commerce. The primary purpose of the event was to say goodbye to one State employee who will be leaving and welcome one who just arrived. This individual works with AmCham Uganda, but this isn't the purpose of my story. As the employee who is leaving was making her "thank you" speech, she introduced a guest she had brought. It was a young Ugandan boy who called himself "Ambassador Fred." He was probably about 10, she (the State employee) had met him one day when she was stuck in traffic. He was selling CDs that he had made to raise money for the orphanage that he lived in. The money was going to help pay for over 40 children school fees. This young boy was full of so much spirit and, as the true guest of honor, sang and danced to one of the songs on his CD with a young girl that also lived at the orphanage. I wish I could show you all! (also, if you would like to buy a CD, I am sure I can find out more details). This young boy was happier than 75% of the people I meet on a daily basis and has probably one through more hardship than any of us can even image.  I am sure that it is one filled with oppression and violence. 

Ambassador Fred had a zen smile and it was contagious. Like a virus it spread to everyone at that event. Needless to say, he sold a lot of CDs last night. Today, I am sick in the best way possible: suffering from the symptoms of Ambassador Fred's happiness which is accentuated by every other young child like him that I pass on my way to work everyday...walking 2 miles to school just to sit in a one room mud hut with 40+ other children. Sitting in a hot room with and empty belly just to learn English and math so they may have a better life than their parents. Their lives are hard, there is no doubt, but each one of them has a smile on their face each morning. 

Wherever you go, whatever you do, Ambassador Freds will be there to brighten up your day and show you how amazing life is, past the hard times. It is up to each one of you to remember that your new outfit or a bonus from work does not equal happiness. I doubt Ambassador Fred has ever had either one of these things, but he lives every day with a zen smile. 

Also, this view didn't hurt my zen smile. 

The Real Kampala

What a great and relaxing long weekend! Unlike all of you in the states, we were off work today "Martyrs Day." Jealous?

Saturday was awesome. My roommate and myself were able to go into the city and test out a Lebanese restaurant Pardis and a couple different malls around Kampala. We went in with a USAID worker who lives in the same neighborhood.

This was all awesome, but it didn't me too long to realize that what we were seeing wasn't the "Real Kampala" so today, in a pursuit to finally get internet in our house, we ventured into the city by taxi and were finally able to see how the city beyond our western bubble.

It is was amazing and overwhelming at the same time. The best comparison I found was to throw the atmospheres of china town, a flea market, and a farmers market, all in one spot and intensify it by about 10. There was so many people and, through it was slightly overwhelming at first, it is the only way to get to know a place. I wish I could take everyone reading this to see what I did today...it was one of the most cultural experiences of my life.

I intend to spend more time like today venturing into the markets, often being the only "muzungu" in sight. I am very thankful for my roommate because without her I would have had no clue what to do, but overall it was a great success. Next time I hope to take some pictures and post them for others to see.

A place is what you make it and the good is what you choose to see. I see the good as hard working Uganda's trying to make a buck selling whatever they can grow or make in the local market. Yes, having supermarkets is nice at first, but that isn't the only way..and we have no right to say it is the best way. Wherever you go, whatever you do, mingle with the locals. Don't be restricted to a western tourist bubble, you can find them anywhere. I believe the only true way to experience a country is through devoted cultural immersion in any capacity possible. Talk with them. Eat with them. Learn from them. Become where you are.