The end of a new beginning.

And here I sit…

at Johannesburg Airport, in the same seat of the same restaurant I sat in just 12 weeks ago. Once again, I am waiting on my flight which will take me somewhere to start a new chapter of my life.

It’s funny how quickly life can change, how a few days, weeks, or months can alter your world view and change your life’s path. I am not sure what the last 12 weeks has done to my life. I may not understand the impact of my time in Uganda for weeks, months, or even years. My time was short, only one summer of my 23 years, but the things I have done…well, this is a summer to remember.

I came to Uganda to learn…to learn about the world as well as myself. I have learned a lot.

I came to understand more about the how life functions in a developing world. While once again, I have learned a lot, however my understanding is still far below what I hoped. Instead, living in Uganda gave me perspective, one that I haven’t obtained any other way.

In Uganda, I rediscovered my passion for equality, equity, and compassion. A passion not for some euphoric goals, but for progress that in a world filled with resources, with equal access to all.

I remembered the good in people. Yes, being in a country filled with corruption can make you jaded, but it only takes one person or one community who, despite unfathomable hardship, works hard every day to unselfishly help one another.

I have, for maybe the first time in my life, took a step back. I have taken the time to read, learn, and challenge my own assumptions. I have learned to think holistically about the world’s problems and appreciate the complexity of working in social services.

I have grown. I have taken the time to sit, to find peace in myself. For the first time in my life, I want nothing more than to be who I already am.

I realize that what I have learned may not come to surface until I have the ability to, through engagement with others, reflect on my time. I find my perceptions often come out vocally before I have had the opportunity to internalize them myself.

How I see life in America has changed, both in a disgust with materialism and in an appreciation for the values embodied by the American people that provide philanthropy on a global scale.  Regardless of my occasional criticism, I truly am proud to be an American.

 In full disclosure, my experience wasn't as "immerseful" as I would have liked. I lived in embassy housing, rode in an embassy car, and ate a lot of embassy food. Would I have gotten more out of my experience living in the slums, maybe. But I learned regardless of the circumstances, you can attend to your surroundings and be present with what is before you.

"The poor don't want you to look like them. They want you to dress in a suit and go get them food and water"- Paul Farmer  

I have felt compassion for a stranger and I have seen things for what they are, not only what they could be. I have been mindful, and I have eaten a lot of mangoes. And in the end...I have done all I set myself to accomplish. 

I sit here, waiting to return home more motivated than ever. To Uganda—someday I will return. To the refugees I spend 400+ hours trying to serve—I will work to find your family a home and a better life away from violence and destruction (preferably to the same home you left, but in an oasis of peace). And to every individual who’s opportunity is restricted because of where they were born, the color of their skin, or the religion they pronounce—be patient, be compassionate, and never act in retribution…for our journey has just begun.

“I have walked that long road to freedom. I have tried not to falter; I have made missteps along the way. But I have discovered the secret that after climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb. I have taken a moment here to rest, to steal a view of the glorious vista that surrounds me, to look back on the distance I have come. But I can only rest for a moment, for with freedom come responsibilities, and I dare not linger, for my long walk is not ended.” 
― Nelson Mandela

With one week left...

I can't believe it. After 11 weeks in Uganda, my time here is finally drawing to a close…

It's strange really, how fast the summer has gone. With only one week left, I find myself trying to decipher my own feelings. I can reflect on what I have done, or maybe what I haven't done. I can start to view, though vaguely, how this time may fit into my broader story of my life. Is this just another chapter, or is this where it all begins…

I came to Uganda for various purposes. First, I wanted to live internationally for a while. I thought this time would offer some clarity for my future, either affirming or extinguishing my interest in working internationally. I wanted to work for the federal government, to understand if I could live the life of a bureaucrat. I wanted understand life in a developing country, to understand the experiences of those billions of individuals who are less fortunate with myself. I wanted to discover how I can be a catalyst for change in the world. Finally, I wanted to grow as an individual. I wanted to take time to escape from my comfort zone and make myself vulnerable. I wanted to find myself.

To say the least…this hasn't all gone as well as I anticipated. I have received no clarity regarding my future, or my desire to work for the government. I can see the "problems," but can decipher were they start (or how to fix them). Hell, I haven't even learned how to save the world. Who would thought?

Early in the summer when I was at a show, this man said "The more you know, the less you understand. Once you know everything, you understand nothing." I don’t think I could sum up my experience any better than this…

This may sound negative, as though I have had a terrible summer. In fact, it has been quite the opposite. However, in my quest to answer my own questions I have done one thing incredibly successfully, I have become increasingly mindful. I have begun to look at the world through a different lens, one I wanted to find through my education, but never could. I have learned the need look at our world's problems holistically, understanding the complexity of addressing social issues. I have developed an enhanced sense of empathy, one that allows me to take a step back from my own beliefs and understand those of others. This didn't necessarily come in the manner I though it may, but I believe I was successful nonetheless.

My blog could end today…concluding that "life abroad isn't so bad" and "I can live an American life anywhere". I could also say "Man, Africa is a mess" or "things will never change."…I am happy…no proud to say, this is not how I see it. And even though I am still interested in working in the developing world, it's not because I lived in the "diplomatic bubble"

Even though I didn't live in the slums or suffer, I saw thousands of people that were. I could have ignored what I saw and just chalked it up to a TIA (this is Africa) experience. Instead, I realized that this was an exceptional moment to educate myself. I learned I have incredible hope for not just Uganda, but the entire developing world. Maybe it is my bias as a Locke kinda girl, ignorantly optimistic about human nature. Or as a pacifist, hoping that we can come out of an era of violence one and find one of peace and understanding.

I am not ignorant to the fact that if we want a peaceful world, we have a long way to go. I do my best to see the reality of each situation, and the reality is far too often that of corruption and oppression. But I also see the end, what can become of the world in the future. Now how to get there, this is my passion and what I plan to devote my life to…the search for the means.

Right now, I have no clue what shape this will take. I also understand that I may not see the results of my own impact in my lifetime. This is something I am absolutely content with.

I have learned a lot, and I understand nothing. Issues where I may have previously provided an empirical answer, I will now respond with "it's complicated". And I truly believe it is. Maybe this isn't helpful and I have become too philosophical in my education, but I think that ignoring that "it's complicated" only highlights your ignorance complexity. If it was easy, someone would have figured it out already.

I am not sure how my experience is all going to play out when I get back to school this fall, or I begin enter the "real world" where people want concrete answers. I want concrete answers too. I want answers to my life decisions, but I don’t have them and I trust this is okay. With each day, I can look at times in my life like my summer in Uganda and remember the way I feel…right now.